Men All Pause

Heed the warning that’s boldly in the name. No attempt to hide it’s imbalance is made.

Menopause. Men~o~pause. Seriously.. Men.. All pause and let me help you through this. Know that you are not alone sir. And ladies it’s best to work with our victims (husbands, boyfriends, domestic partners, etc) on getting through this.

One minute hormones are screaming “Heyyyy Mister Mister!” And literally the very next second, these moaning hors are rebuking with an “Oh hell no! You betta put all that on pause!” statement. It’s so confusing for us all. But we can overcome the demented twists of our biological fate.

This is not something that can be explained in a way that absent the experience understanding can be found. Logically, yes we know certain things. Menopause marks the transition from the childbearing to non-childbearing years. It is the bridge that liberates ladies from monthly uteral assault, costly provisions, and managing medical care for a “natural” process. It is saying goodbye to a friend that the two of you never really liked anyway. She wasn’t pleasant. She wasn’t considerate. And quite frankly she got in the way and ruined a few vacations (ol’ stanky bitch 😠) So let’s not pretend that we’re not glad if she doesn’t visit for a whole 12 months. Bye Flowlecia!!

Sounds normal. Natural. Reliable. Except for the peri phase before the emancipation. Men don’t always get this disclaimer about peri. She ain’t pretty at all! Peri is not the root of paradise. We, ladies, meet peri when doctor says or the blog reads “But first”… What?!? Well, the answer goes a little something like this.

But first what?? But first, you will wake up on fire from the inside out for no apparent reason. But first, you’re lady flow will randomly and erratically increase to a volume that will make you question how you’re not dead. Oh yeah but first, you will develop some random trigger switch that causes you to cry from sadness, joy, anger, and sentimentality at times that are beyond your control. Emotional self-control? Gone and you won’t know where you put it. Because first, you will start walking into rooms and just standing there confused about why you went in there to begin with. (Personal note: I do this at least twice a day πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ)

The perimenopausal phase is on average 4 years. I know for me it’s been a little over that and my husband is trying to track down who gave us misinformation. This is a joint venture and we are expecting a very specific return on our investment. Free sex!! He’s tired of doing supply runs, getting yelled at and then sympathy hugged. I’m tired of feeling nutty as a fruitcake before we get to the nuts. I usually take two days off a month to lay around and faux-hemmorage in the comfort of my own home. I’m fortunate that we are self-employed (I’m not required to give myself doctors notes and I don’t have to fake I’m sick. I’m not sick. He knows my ass is just sleepy, shit). He books extra jobs so I can be avoided, I mean alone, as much as possible. His personal and work calendars have monthly reoccurring events titled “She’s Crazy” (I’m not even jokingπŸ˜‚). All of this is costing too much energy!!! We are ready to be free.

Why am I telling you all of this? Well, because it is natural and you can survive it. All the older ladies tell me to be ready to hang in there for 10 years, but older men don’t tell my hubby anything. Which is sad, because he suffers with the sufferer. So he told me to tell you: Herbs help. Laughter helps. Avoiding red wines, aged cheeses, and drinking coffee helps me. Smoking cigars, eating cereal before bed, and cool flannel sheets help him.

“It’s like one day we were young, then not so much. But it’s not bad though. I guess I just realized that sagging balls and menopause are just like a landslide and a river bed. Erosion and evaporation may change the landscape but it takes a lot less energy getting the rocks off.” πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚~My Hubby